I am 21 years old, I did all the partying I could handle in my first two years of college and Im at a point in my life where I am ready to grow up, however some aspects of my life that are in my control were holding me back. 90 days or so ago, I had a different outlook on my current situation. I was wrapped up in a boyfriend of two years, had an amazing job and was going to school. There is more to me as an individual than who Im dating, the job I have or going to school to just get through until graduation. Where am I going with this? a place that many people don't realize they are in until they are much older and have much more invested in the different areas of their lives, whether that be a relationship or a career, etc.
Not too long ago, I had feelings internally that I had not ever felt before, I was not happy from the inside out, I was sick of faking it altogether. I'm not here to share my regrets, because honestly, at one point down the road you see how that 'regret' turns into something powerful, something you can share. My ex boyfriend and I are great people as individuals, but together it was toxic. Now, don't get me wrong, we had plenty of amazing times, I learned a lot from him about parts of the world I have not yet seen, about myself and about an amazing individual whose personality and way of life is in many ways completely opposite from mine. I saw over the years how he conformed to some of my ways and I to his, and then there were those areas that remained and our only option was to agree to disagree.
For a majority of my life I was a fairly black and white person, everything was this or that. In my journey thus far, I learned a lot about seeing the color, which in many ways can be looked at as the opportunities. I see that no two people are the same-- which is something I already knew, but I had no real experience that was real proof of that. I am intrigued by the small similarities or things you have in common with people, because in the grand scheme of things it is hard to come by. On the other hand, the many differences leave room for debate or conversation really, which turns into learnings and sometimes closer bonds for reasons you may not understand at the time.
I realized something about myself that is a little distracting-- I can't be a girl friend right now. Its funny because everyone around me is getting engaged, married, and having babies... while I'm closer to becoming a nun than being married. Okay, that is an exaggeration. It is just farther in my future than it was before, which again, I feel a sense of opportunity there. Anyway, I was going insane being in a relationship, not for the obvious reasons... I still care about him, support his goals and ambitions, so on and so forth, however, it's not about him--it is about me!
Now, that may seem selfish, it is. But a good selfish in the way that, personally I was not where I needed to be and still am not to be able to function in a serious relationship. I have way too many things to learn on my own. Again, this is where I see opportunity arising. For me-- when I am consumed with someone else, I focus more on their needs than my own, I typically want to feel wanted and then I realize I have no time for myself. This is a toxic cycle, a challenge for many. My past two relationships have been childlike in the sense that we became so dependent on one another because you think that means you love each other and you are serious about each other, when in reality you are stopping the growth of that person you say you love, you are interfering where you shouldn't and it turns into turmoil-- more of a relationship you have to hold onto rather than one that just holds on.
I know that one day I will find a man who meets my high expectations and I his, but in the meantime, I want to know myself so inside and out and be totally confident in meeting their expectations. I see relationships in a way that in order for it to work, in my opinion... your relationship with God needs to be deep, as if he is the one you are dating. In 1 Corinthians it talks about how marriage is one of the greatest challenges we will face and it is almost suggested to us to not be married. This leaves room for you to grow closer to your God and do what you were called to do on earth, without the distraction of someone else. It goes on to explain that if you choose to get married, it will be blessed by God. The point that I see here is that you have a purpose and personally I see my past relationships as distractions that were deterring me from the path God planned for me. Now, this goes back to how I want to focus on myself... I want to do things that make me happy and proud to be me. That includes forming strong bonds with new friends, maintaining or rekindling old ones and loving perfect strangers in a God-like way(whatever that means to you). Why are these relationships so important to me? because I forgot what friends do for you, it is not healthy to exhaust everything onto your significant other... make room for other relationships.
That covers the relationship side of my exhausting situation. I ended up quitting my job that I loved so much in order to get my priorities in line. I have a lot more time to be great in school, which provides more motivation through it all. This whole bit that you have read is kind of the turning point I guess you could say. I have chose to really get right with my God and it has done amazing things for me. I have joined two different bible study groups that really challenge me and I will most likely be inspired to write and share :)
I would recommend if you personally can relate to any of this there is a book by the name of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by David Harris. This author was 21 years old when he experienced his 'turning point' and in a sense gave up on dating and focused elsewhere. It is well worth the time to read!
One thing I am learning is that if you are focused on your purpose and what God intended to use you for on earth, then while your running and growing closer to God-- one day you will run beside someone who has been doing the same thing you have and it will not be a relationship that deters, but one that is supported and held together by faith in God. Now, that is a powerful team!
xoxo
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